Two prayers

“I don’t want to ride on someone else’s passion

I don’t want to find that I’m just dry bones

I wanna burn with unquenchable fire

Deep down inside, see or coming alive

Help me find my own flame

Help me find my own fire

I want the real thing

I want your burning desire.”

These words from the United Pursuit song “help me find my own flame” have been going through my head for the past week or so.

Over a year ago, I stepped down from serving on the ministry team at the European School of Supernatural Life (ESSL). There were a number of reasons for this, but one of the key ones was that I had begun to wonder if the supernatural things I’d been experiencing were real for me, or just happening because I was around people who it was real for, and I was just “freeloading” off their blessings. If it really were true for me, I should be able to “do the stuff” when there was just me and God.

I wanted to me sure that it was me that was burning. I was pretty sure I was – but I needed to be 100% convinced.

There is no doubt in my mind that spending time with others on the same mission as you are on is vital. I think it was Bill Johnson who said “ if you want to slay giants, spend time with giant slayers.”

On the other hand, spending time with those who have no vision, those that we satisfied with the way things are has the opposite effect and can result in stagnation.

I believe that there is more to experience than I currently do. I believe in order to experience the ‘more’ it needs to be me that is burning with desire to see it.

I’ve also learned that I’m supposed to be me. God has a plan for me. And He has a plan for you. And the chances of them being the same are highly unlikely. We can be on the same mission, and have different roles on that mission. Your job may be highly visible – preaching, teaching, leading. It might be much more covert – listening, loving or cooking. Each role is vital – but if I try to do the same job as you, and don’t do mine to the very best of my ability – it doesn’t work like it’s supposed to.

It’s ok to celebrate others successes – and I think it is really important – but don’t let’s begin to covet them.

In my year away I discovered that I am indeed burning. Perhaps not as ferociously as I might be, or want to be, but there is definitely a flame. I’m not riding passion of others.

I went back to ESSL this last week, to visit and and was struck by the gentleness of God. There were so many questions I had about how He felt about me. He didn’t tell me off for leaving. He wasn’t cross. He hadn’t left me to fend for myself.

What He did say was that the rest was His idea. That it was good for me. That He hadn’t left me.

But He also said it was time to pick up the baton and start running again. I’m not sure the exact nature of the baton I’ve to pick up this time, or which direction I’ve to run. But I know it’s time. The wounds have had time to heal, it’s time to run again.

This is my new prayer.

Lord I want more of you

Living water rain down on me

Lord I need more of you

Living breath come fill me up. (Jesus Culture)