The whirlwind of the past few weeks have been some that I would rather forget. There have been highs and extreme lows. It would be easy to assume that everything was against me, that God really had decided this time to abandon me and leave us to get on with things by myself.

I’d like to think that I was the of person that can deal with one bad thing at a time. November was tough. Although we were warned that mum would die, it still came as a shock when it finally happened. We were able to make a deliberate attempt to make memories, share experiences and say goodbye. It was a precious time, which I am grateful for. If there is any regret it is that I didn’t start making them earlier.

I was determined that I wouldn’t make the same mistake with Dad. I was going to spend more time with him. Not only because it was the right thing to do, but because I wanted to. Whilst I knew he was special, he was so humble about it I didn’t notice it often enough.

I think that death is something we don’t talk about enough. Perhaps the reason is that we anticipate the pain that the event causes and push it to the side so we don’t have to deal with it at all. The problem is, it is the one event that will affect us all at one time or another.

I have had to face it twice in the past seven months, and I have to say it hurts. The pain of the loss, of the missed opportunities, of the lost chances to say things gnaws away at you to the point that you feel one more thing may tip you over the edge. That edge is unknown, I think that is the very thing that keeps you from tipping over it.

Yet in the pain there are signs that God was present in each situation. I’m not suggesting that God orchestrated either of them, just that He showed that He was there, that He understood and that He was weeping with me. There is of course precedent for this. When Jesus went to the tomb of His good friend Lazarus, even though He knew what the final outcome of the visit would be , He wept. He was moved by the situation, of the pain that the family were feeling. He cared.

I have no doubt that Jesus does the same over my pain.

I also have no doubt that He will continue to care, continue to weep when I do, continue to support me, and to give me advice when I need it.

The advantage of being a Christian is that you have another Father in place. While I don’t blame my earthly dad for leaving at all, it is a huge comfort to know that I have another Father that will never leave me. His everlasting arms are there to hold me.

My job is simply to lean back into them and allow them to support me. I know that in time I will be ready to stand again.

But for now it is sufficient just to rest. So that’s what I intend to do.

Some days are hard.

There are times when the message that “it is always God’s will to heal” just doesn’t seem to be true. I’m not saying that it isn’t true, just that it doesn’t seem to be. Sometimes no matter how much faith there is, no matter how persistently we pray and declare truth over a situation, things just don’t happen the way they are supposed to. It seems like God isn’t listening, doesn’t care or simply isn’t able to intervene. As humans I think we have an inbuilt need “to know”. We need to know why. As a scientist I have built a career out of finding out answers. As a Christian, I have tried to understand the bible, its message, and how it all fits together. I often find myself in a position where my scientific brain is at odds with the fact that there sometimes just aren’t the answers I want or need in the bible. I suppose I shouldn’t be that surprised, after all, God tells us that “His thoughts are not our thoughts and His ways are not our ways.” That’s not to say we shouldn’t try to understand, just that when we come up against things that we don’t understand, sometimes that is the point.

King David spent much of his time questioning God, asking Him why He felt distant. Calling on Him to come and rescue one situation or another.

Throughout his questioning, no matter how dark the situation, one thing persisted. He was convinced that whatever happened, God was to be praised and trusted to do the right thing.

I’ve written a lot about peace recently. I honestly believe that it is possible to know a peace whatever the storm around us looks like, however the fierce or persistent the battering the boat we are in is taking. Some days it is easy to find that peace. Others, we feel like we have to go looking for it, but it’s there, and we can access it.

A song by the Newsboys has the following lyric.

“Lord, I don’t know where all this is going
Or how it all works out
Lead me to peace that is past understanding
A peace beyond all doubt”

It is all too simple to have answers to the questions when there isn’t a real situation in front of us to have the answer to. When reality hits many will look for answers in the wrong places. They will question doctors, science, philosophy and the like. They may even try and change their theology to fit with their experience. My experience is that there is only one place where the peace I believe is accessible is found. Only one place where the answer will ultimately be found.

Until that answer comes, sometimes the only answer that makes any sense is “I don’t know.”

It’s ok to be in that position. It’s ok to grieve. It’s ok to be angry. It’s ok to ask questions.

When we look for answers, I pray that we look in the right place.

Some trust in chariots, and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God. (Psalms 20:7)

A quote appeared in a Facebook memory today. “A Lion never loses sleep over the opinions of sheep.”

Once I had got over the fact that finding lions and sheep in the same vicinity was unlikely, my first reaction was that it was a pretty arrogant statement. It seems to suggest that we don’t have to listen to anyone else, that we are lord and king over all that we do, and what others think doesn’t matter. Over the years I have been what some might call a nominal Christian. One who goes to church because its what I’ve always done. One who prays, with minimal or no expectancy of an answer. My prayers became a list of things I wanted God to give me, safe in the knowledge that I wouldn’t get them. I was OK with that, it was safe. I hung around with likeminded powerless people, did what they did, said what they said and looked like they looked. Just like sheep, if one of us changed direction, even a little, we all followed.

Then I thought about who I was, who God had called me to be. I know that I have been born to be powerful. I have two destinies, one to spend eternity in the place that Jesus has prepared for me, the other here on earth. I have been told that I will do greater things than Jesus. I’ve been told that His ceiling is my starting point. I’ve been told that I am loved by God, that he considers me to be a co-heir with His Son, and that because of His Son, I can boldly approach Him and spend time with Him, ask Him for things as an earthly son asks a father, and simply enjoy being in His presence.

When I finally met the one who I said I had been following for years, things changed. I realised my true identity. I realised that first and foremost I was loved and accepted. I realised I was forgiven (and my list of misdemeanours was long and complex). I realised that the promises of God I read about in the bible were true, were for me and not just the holy elite, and that God wanted relationship with me.

What was most surprising was that the relationship was to be a two way thing. I could actually hear from God. He spoke, and if I listened and did what He said I could be certain that He would be with me every step of the way.

I wish I could say that every time I hear from God I do what He says. I am getting better though. I am beginning to tune my personal antenna into the wavelength that He speaks to me on. His voice is getting clearer, and I have discovered that with the weight of heaven behind me I really can be unstoppable.

If you get a lot of sheep together the noise can be overwhelming. The thing is though, that is all it is. It is noise, meant to distract us from our mission. There are those who will tell you that you can’t. Others will counsel you that you simply shouldn’t.  Don’t let those who are satisfied with lack dictate your mission.  If you have heard from heaven you have two options.

You can simply focus on the goal, keeping your eyes firmly fixed on Jesus. Don’t allow yourself to be distracted.

 Maybe though – it is time to roar.